My Motherhood Journey

Signs and messages.

My son came to Earth in a land far, far away from me. 

And yet… 

I knew about him long before he was even conceived as he made sure to let me know that he was on his way – just as it was meant to be.
Having been born with a heart-shaped uterus with too little space for any third trimester fetal development I was on a long soul searching journey for years in my quest for motherhood. A journey that brought me to the deepest depths of my inner self and that made me go further than I had ever imagined.

This journey, however, also led me to develop and strengthen the very strong spiritual and intuitive abilities and when my son – in the midst of my deepest despair and darkest days – came to me with his message, my heart was open and able to receive it. For days on end I recognized and felt very clearly the soul of a boy which presented itself to me in the form of a beautiful, loving and pure energy – a little above me to the right and it stayed there long enough to make sure that I “understood”.

This soul was the soul of my son.

One day I would have this precious being come into my arms and my world in his physical form. I knew this on a deep intuitive level and even though I still wasn´t quite able to lean back and trust his message fully at that point, something in me had changed.

Shortly after this experience I came walking down the road one day passing by a kindergarten with huge glass windows and there she was. A beautiful little Asian looking girl smiling brightly at me with the most shining eyes as if she wanted to tell me something. I had never met her before but her eyes were fixed at mine and she held eye contact with me for what seemed like an eternity. I remember having a very strong, inner knowing as I finally continued walking that yes, indeed… my son would come from a land far from me and that he was on his way – although not in this realm just yet.

During this same time period, the name Samuel (Chamuel = the Arc Angel of Love) came to me kind of “out of the blue” and I fell utterly in love with this particular name. For years I kept telling my husband over and over: “when we get our son we will name him Samuel”.

The first “meeting”.

Fast forward several years to the long awaited day and moment when we finally saw a photo of our beloved son for the very first time and got to know about his initial life story. We were on vacation in Southern Europe and it came much unexpected. My husband had left our home for a meeting literally minutes before I opened the e-mail and there I was. On my own. Looking into my sons big, beautiful, brown eyes for the very first time.

My son…. Our son.

Words are insufficient in my effort trying to describe these next minutes of complete silence. Time and place did not exist. There was only him and me. And for a brief moment if felt as if we were the only two beings in the entire Universe. 

I had become…

a mother…

at last.

And then it dawned on me… Oh my…!! 

Really?!!?

In the documents is was stated that his birth name was Samuel!!

I could hardly believe my own eyes… 

A few years earlier, our sons biological family living thousands of kilometers away on a completely different continent, had chosen that very same name (out of all the names in the world) that I had loved so dearly for years and wanted our son to be named.

Out of all the names in the world.

I never really believed in coincidences and this experience for sure strengthened my belief that nothing is random. Life is full of synchronies and there is a deep meaning behind all. Bigger than most can comprehend.

Falling in love.

A new phase of my motherhood journey had begun.

Over the next days and weeks it felt as if my heart expanded a billion times and I cried almost endless daily tears of happiness, relief and longing. Unable to take my eyes off the photos of our son, I would carry them close to my heart always and fall asleep with them by my bedside.

Never had I loved so deeply. Never had I loved so unconditionally. And never had I longed so much…

My heart was aching for every passing moment that I couldn´t hold and protect my baby. Knowing that he was all alone out there with no one to love him was almost unbearable to my vulnerable mother heart. Although we stayed busy with various preparations it was a few nerve wrecking and very long weeks before we could finally fly out and unite with our precious, little son.

Sacred land.

Setting out on a trip to a whole different continent to meet your beloved and deeply longed for child for the very first time is the ultimate experience you can ever get as parents besides giving birth. I was on an emotional rollercoaster from the moment I stood in line to board the plane and saw all the gorgeous Ethiopian people and children that were in line with me. 

They were my child´s people. 

I instantly felt a deep soul-connection with every single one of them. A connection that went way beyond culture, language and origin. These people were our family. They were our sisters and brothers.

My heart was cracked open and when we many hours later touched the ground on our son´s ancient, historic and very sacred land, I cried again.
The pain and sadness that permeated my entire being as we drove through the mud of the rainy season, witnessing the extreme poverty of Ethiopia´s stoic, loving and beautiful people, was almost unbearable. 

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I looked through the car window while passing people and families that had literally nothing… No roof over their heads. No bed to sleep in. No food to eat. And absolutely no possibility what so ever to escape this merciless existence. Ever. Mud and dirt everywhere. Endless ongoing strive for pure survival was everyday life for most. And yet. These people walked with the most graceful, proud posture and met us with the warmest, shining smiles you could think of.

I cried for humanity.

I cried for Mother Earth.

I cried for my son.

A million butterflies.

It was early morning and after having dropped off our luggage quickly at our guest house, we set out on the most exhilarating trip of all accompanied by at least a million stomach butterflies.

The drive that would finally lead us to our son.

Imagine…

For years and years I had longed so deeply for my child. So deeply that it at times felt like I couldn´t exist. So deeply that nothing else seemed to matter. So deeply that I was willing to do almost anything.

And now… 

In just a few minutes I was about to be united with him. I was about to look into the eyes of that soul that had visited me several years ago and asked me to trust.

Finally in my arms.

… And there he was!

So beautiful. So gentle. And oh so very brave.

The memory of these initial hours filled with pure presence and the softest tenderness will be treasured in my heart forever. Moment by moment. Day by day. Step by step. We got to know one another a little more. And then a little more.

In spite of deeply imprinted, traumatic experiences that one will only ever understand fully when having lived through them, our son was courageous enough to dare to bond again instantly. In spite of an overwhelming and unimaginable fear, he was brave enough to open up his heart to two “strangers” and be willing to try to trust again.

And so our journey as a family started.

Becoming a family.

Our days were filled with deep love-bonding, sacred, unforgettable moments, heart bursting gratitude and tears of pure joy. It was almost impossible to contain our overwhelming love for this little being that was now in our arms and care for the rest of our lives.

We felt as if we were part of the most beautiful love story ever told.

Simultaneously – we were faced with a whirlwind of a daily life existence. The most chaotic and exhausting time of our life. Ever. We were tested and pushed into the most extreme situations imaginable. Over and over. And over again. 

It was a wild ride.

Being “thrown into” motherhood from one moment to the next with a child carrying a heavy emotional baggage required me to dive deep and find the answers within myself in record time. And I did.

Heart to heart.

I knew from the very beginning that my motherhood path would be different in certain ways. I had a strong intuitive and instinctual knowing for how I wanted to mother my child and an ability to steer away from society’s norms. I was able to feel into my heart in most situations and let my son guide me and tell me what he needed.

Don´t get me wrong. I did mistakes. I was a beginner – as we all are when we first become parents. I quickly learned to tune into my son though. When I would get off track, he would be right there to let me know about it with his pure, loving essence and righteous being. And my intuition and deep felt wish for meeting my son “heart to heart” got me onto this very special path right away. The path which I today call “New Paradigm Mothering”.

I always felt when “something was not right” or when the mainstream way of relating to my child in certain situations was not the way I wanted to go. And becoming a mother of a five year old overnight made my wish to find what felt truly right for me, my child and our family an urgent one.

I relied on my inner feminine wisdom at all times. This wisdom that we as women and mothers all carry and have access to when we go inwards and start trusting ourselves. I didn’t listen to anybody other than myself and my inner knowing. I did seek a little inspiration from around me but disregarded all that was not in alignment with me.

Over the years, my intuitive mothering approach has developed become the foundation of who I am today. It permeates everything. My relation with my son, my relation with my husband, our family as a whole and my role as a mentor for women and mothers. 

Our son came here to be my greatest teacher of all and I have come to understand and recognize life’s different aspects from an even deeper spiritual level than before – because of him. Teaching “New Paradigm Mothering” is why I am here at this time and my son came to show me this without a doubt. 

My never ending love for my little one expands my heart and most of all it feels as if I hold the entire Earth in my mother arms. Because you see – you and I are not only mothers of our own children but of all the children in the world.